I didn’t get to spend enough time with you; didn’t get to decide your destiny. I didn’t even get enough time with you to understand what a loss was lost. Six years, then the death of innocence-at an unbearable lifelong cost! I can never know what I could have been before you…just the disaster AFTER!
Here, I write the most horrific childhood story--you may have imprinted the opening scene, but only I can write the FINAL CHAPTER:
the stench of you is unmistakable; certain times…still circle in my mind…certain events, unfortunately, re-traceable.
Did you write down the date…you know, when you took over my fate? Did you write in your mental diary…the moment you graduated from just touching me? Yes, I recall I mean, after all I was on the menu, the main course.
Did you hold your head high knowing that I…was a 6-year old you conquered by force? Then, your sin all tucked away by Saturday night; then, up you go in the Early Sunday morning light! So polite in church, I could not believe--you really had them all deceived! A devil in plain sight, first bench-you were a Deacon there--why couldn’t you all smell his stench?
Tell me, did your hands feel the same…remember, when we played a different game? On which verse did you reflect? Which hymn did you chant-while choosing Vaseline as the lubricant? A dark cloud descended over all of my being…if ever there were a soul worth freeing--surely then, a child who has been so defiled…can walk to you God, in glory?
God said, “your road to Me, has already been paved-you must first, go tell your story…”
God gave me a gift, and said, “Here, you are BLESSED!” I unwrapped this--stunned to see a book titled: FORGIVENESS
No, I mean, how could that possibly be?
How am I to forgive someone who so badly violated me? This man took away my right to choose; told me "no man will ever want you-your "goods" are “USED”!So, no, forgiveness is not the word-it’s called abused!
I turned the page, the next one said; forgiveness unlocks the door to the memories that replay over and over in your head…you have been handed the key by all means, set yourself free!
I turned the page again, and the nightmares DID end-this chapter is just about finished, then, a new story can begin.
But first, a personal word to the bastard, who was very proud in his sick sin:
a thief to me-you will forever be…
you stole something priceless-that can never be retrieved…
my trust, my innocence…
my virginity.
Why would I EVER forgive YOU?!
I wouldn’t and I don’t, so, instead, this is what I’ll do;
I forgive MYSELF for the things I internalized and carried through; for wishing pain rain down upon you-and death, because you have no further use; I forgive MYSELF for all the shame I felt-caused by YOUR abuse!
What behind your eyes-allowed you to theorize having sex with a child was ok? no Judge, no jury, no problem--you see, my “gift giver” also announced YOUR judgment day!
your stench…is still
UNMISTAKABLE…
no longer your victim, but rather…
UNBREAKABLE!
your victim died-my survivor transcends-you have no power over me...
THE END
#MWCDeath
